


Abandon all hope, abandon all you feel

by ILoveMisha2



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Death, Hell Hounds, Hurt, Lucifer - Freeform, Other, POV Dean, Supernatural - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-02-24 09:28:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2576546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILoveMisha2/pseuds/ILoveMisha2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When I look at Jo on the hardware store’s floor, broken, I feel pain I’ve only felt a few times before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Abandon all hope, abandon all you feel

**Author's Note:**

> first off this is not beta'd so i apologize for bad spelling and all that jazz. comments would be appreciated (if anyone actually reads my work lol)

When I look at Jo on the hardware store’s floor, broken, I feel pain I’ve only felt a few times before. The pain of the raw love I feel, that no matter how hard I try I can’t bury in alcohol.

She’s bleeding, a lot.

Her grey shirt is no longer grey, with red splotches soaked into the thin fabric. She has large cuts that look more like mincemeat where blood is just flowing out from the hellhounds Jo tried to protect me from.

Ellen is trying her best to put Jo back together.

I could see it though, any hunter could, and I knew Ellen saw it too, but as a mother she’s holding herself together. She’s going to protect and comfort Jo to the end. She knows and she’s in denial.

The bloods still dripping, the rags are soaked as we frantically try to find more. Her whole body is going pale as her eyes are losing that beautiful shine. She still manages a smile, I don’t know how she does it but she chuckles slightly, sarcasm as heavy as it can be on her in her state. I wish I would’ve realized sooner how breath taking she really was.

She didn’t deserve this, she shouldn’t have been a hunter.

I’m angry as I think of that. She knew the risks, of what she'd not only put herself through but also everyone who loved her. I can’t stay angry though, Jo doesn’t deserve that treatment, she never has. Her blonde hair is the only thing left of her emitting some life as it clings wildly to her face from the uncontrollable tears and sweat.

I doubt she even realizes the tears streaming down slowly, some dipping into her mouth, and others dripping off her chin. She’s breathing heavy, it must be getting harder for her to breath.

She’s beautiful.

I’ve always known she was, but I guess it’s more prominent now. Even though her eyes are going cold, they still have so much fire left in them. She’s fighting to stay alive and it’s hard to watch knowing she’s not fighting for herself.

She’s fighting to stay alive for her mother, for the apocalypse, for me.

This is my fault, I know that when I look into her eyes and see the forgiveness, love, and acceptance in them.

All of that is aimed towards me. I know she’s giving me my chance, to open up, allow myself to feel if for just this once.

I don’t want to feel.

I don’t want to have my insides twist to the point of vomit, I don’t want my mind to shut down due to the painful memories flooding it. I don’t want to feel the pool of shameful tears drip from swollen eyes. I don’t want to feel shaky, so alive and aware of the pain it’s unbearable.

I also don’t want to let Jo down, not this time.

I’m afraid that if I try to speak that I’ll actually break and won’t be able to stop the apocalypse inside me. I’ve been holding my breath for who knows how long as I suddenly let it out, but I’ve been holding my problems in for much longer.

I was afraid, now and then. Not just for me, but for everyone that has died because of me.

She’s not making it out of here, she knows that, I guess I do too but haven’t accepted it.

I wouldn’t, not until she looked me dead in the eyes and made me. She’s always been a force of nature like that. I can feel it, how my shoulders slumped slightly, my breathing uneven like my heart beats. If I’m feeling like this, I can’t imagine what she feels. She looks calm and ready, just a hint of fear on the set of her pale lips as her breaths become shallow.

I kneel beside her, taking her hand, I make myself look at her no matter how much it hurts because I am determined to stay strong and because she deserves more than I could ever give her and right now me next to her is all I have to give. I kiss her forehead, telling her I’ll probably see her on the other side soon. Even though she’s the one dying she’s still worried about me as she tells me to make it later rather than sooner.

She almost sounds like she’s begging me, I can only manage a nod. I whisper how sorry I am against her lips as I kiss her quickly. It hurts to feel her relax slightly from that one touch, knowing I should have done that sooner. She grabs my wrist so I don’t leave her and she shakes her head as best she can. She whispers about how it’s not my fault, not any bodies. That she’s not scared to die.

I see through her though because I told myself the same thing that whole year I had before my contract was up. This isn’t the life she should’ve had. She should have been able to be a normal person, not have her guts splattered around her in a classic hunter’s death. As if she’s reading my mind she whispers one more thing before I have to go. One thing that breaks me open, letting everything I try and hide show clearly on my face.

“Dean, we’re hunters, not people. It’s okay, I’m okay.”

Not people, how right she was, but I refused to believe that applied to her.

The way she said it, so sure and irreversible, sent a cold shiver through me. In these last moments there would be no changing her mind.

We’re hunters not people, we’re not entitled to a normal life, a normal death, and above all happiness.

That was one of the hardest goodbyes as the explosion of the building made me jump knowing who we just lost, but I’m going to fight because that’s the only thing close to happiness us hunters get, to kill and get revenge. I’m going to gank Lucifer for everyone, for her.


End file.
